April 1, 2022
Unlike most of my family and friends, I did not stay in St. Louis my entire life, though I still love it and have many fond memories of having lived there. Life took me other places, and though it would be nice to have maintained old friendships, time and distance—on top of raising a family—became convenient excuses for not keeping in touch.
Several months ago, a old friend texted news of our 50th high school reunion being planned…and almost immediately, came long-buried feelings of inadequacy and not-being-good-enough. Where did that come from? And WHY? I’m 67 years old, for heaven’s sake.
Admittedly, high school does not elicit happy memories and that’s entirely on me. I was one messed up teenager! I never felt good enough, or smart enough, or athletic enough, or creative enough, or, or, or… There were many attempts to be someone I wasn’t, and just as many pathetic failures. I certainly wasn’t a loner, but I remember feeling very alone. Especially my senior year…
Of course, I’ve had a lifetime to figure out what (some of) my problems were/are, thank God, and I’d like to believe I’m not the same person I was when I was 17.
AH HA! That’s it. None of us are the same people we were back then. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and all of a sudden I felt immensely grateful to be the age I am. I think I have figured out where Maria can be herself. That realization made me feel very grateful for being as old as I am. For having learned the lessons I’ve learned. For realizing that I Am Enough.
